Calm The Voice In Your Head and Listen

My mother used to tell me to remember that I had two ears and only one mouth.

My father always reminded me that it’s hard to learn anything when your mouth is moving.

The recent presidential campaign in the United States was an example of this inability to listen that went on 24/7 for months and months. The debates were exercises in ignoring the questions and talking past each other. The media showed an amazing ability to talk ad infinitum about a short tweet or to overanalyze a single sentence out of an interview seemingly without hearing the rest of what was said and how it modified or explained the few words they chose to focus on. Early signs since the winner was inaugurated seem to show that this destructive inability to listen on a national level will continue.

To the detriment of all of us.

By listening, I don’t mean hearing words. I’m speaking of a purposeful listening to what someone is telling you, carefully considering its implications and meaning, and then (and only then) engaging in a dialogue to solve a problem, develop new ideas, or build better and more productive relationships.

The biggest hurdle to listening is that we think faster than we talk, two to three times faster. That leaves lots of time for your mind to evaluate, to judge, to interpret, to wander. Or to do all four. And while your mind is doing these things, you’re not listening.

Before you even hear enough to really understand what the speaker is talking about, where they’re going, how you can add value to their ideas and their thinking, you’ve jumped to conclusions, stuck in your own random musings. Your overwhelming desire to express your own ideas, to get your point across. causes you to lose track of the speaker’s reasoning, and completely drown them out by talking over them.

The good news? You can become a better listener.

Focus and listen with your full attention and notice not just the words someone is sharing with you but also the vocal qualities and physical actions that accompany these words. Additional information is always transmitted in non-verbal ways.

Ask thoughtful questions that delve into what you’re hearing and encourage greater depth and explanation from the speaker. Good questions show you’ve been paying attention, you’re following the ideas expressed, you’re interested in knowing more.

Calm the voice in your head that spews out a running commentary and distracts you. It’s clear to the speaker when you’re not really listening, when you’re not interested in what they have to say. Stay focused on them so they feel like you care, that their words matter and are being carefully considered.

Most importantly, be fully present. Clear your mind of whatever you were thinking about when the conversation began. Ignore your phone, your computer, the television blasting away on the wall, the people wandering around distracting you. Continuously demonstrate through eye contact and quiet focused concentration, that the speaker is the most important thing in your universe…at least for the duration of the discussion.

Listening, really listening, is hard work. Perhaps that is why so few do it. But the rewards of good listening are worth all the effort.

Real listening leads to useful dialogue. Useful dialogue leads to understanding. And understanding leads… if not to agreement, then to a genuine appreciation of the thoughts and beliefs of those speaking to you. It enables us to appreciate the differences in each of us, and the value these differences add to whatever we do.

It wasn’t until I got older that I came to understand my parent’s wisdom. And when I did, I found my horizons expanded, my relationships improved, my value to others increased. I became calmer and got aggravated much less frequently. And I’m having a lot more fun.

This can happen to you too. Just listen.