More and more people seem to have strong opinions…and seem to be unwilling to consider modifying them under any circumstances. In the political arena this has led to gridlock in Washington combined with a splintering of any semblance of a unified country on many issues. The United States is not alone in this. Around the world it seems to be more and more difficult to get people to agree on a course of action to solve just about any mutual problem they face.
Compromise has become the strongest curse word there is, wielded to intimidate into submission rather than lead to common understanding, solution, and agreement on action. We see it every day because the political fights are so visible, and we pay attention because it has such impact on each of us.
As the discourse has become louder and more virulent in condemnation of those with differing opinions, fed by the digital 24 hour deluge of nasty comments, the situation has grown worse. And it looks like it will continue along this downward spiral.
I believe this is at least partly due to the fact that we react emotionally in defense when our opinions are attacked rather then rationally in reasoned debate about what the facts lead to. Unfortunately modern discourse all too often degenerates into attacks that unleash this emotional response rather than being civil comments that lead to rational thought.
I was pleased to read, not because it is good news but because it supports my thinking, that recent research at George Mason University and the University of Wisconsin-Madison has found that those who read rude comments about themselves and their opinions became more fixed about their positions, whatever they are. Observation supported by research.
There is another less visible manifestation of this that occurs in the business world and impacts the success…or failure…of the company and so concerns us in this blog. All too often the words by senior executives to those who are lower in the company hierarchy feels to the person addressed more like an attack than a desire to communicate and discuss. And to make it worse, those who happen to witness the event feel the same. The result? A negative emotional response which often leads to a strengthening and continuation of whatever behavior was being addressed. It is the dreaded “passive aggressive” response which comes about because due to relative positions of power outright disagreement is difficult or impossible.
Where does this resistance come from? Not the one addressed but the one addressing. Executives are often their own worst enemy, completely oblivious to the response they engender by the words, attitude, and actions they display. Often the one causing the problems is someone they see every morning staring back at them in the mirror.
If only what they saw bore some resemblance to how they’re seen by others
Spot on again, Steve. In your conclusion, you have identified what I refer to as PEIM – Problem Exists In Mirror.
As to your main point, the theory of Transactional Analysis, which first appeared in the late ’50’s or so, teaches that at any given time, each of us occupies one of three “ego states,” dubbed Parent, Adult and Child. To complicate matters, there are two versions of Parent – Nurturing and Critical – and two versions of Child – Needy/Emotional and Rebellious. The Transactional part is that in any interaction between people, only 3 combinations are stable: Adult to Adult, Nurturing Parent to Needy/Emotional Child, and Critical Parent to Rebellious Child.
The interesting thing is that we are programmed to quickly adapt to the ego state of the other person, so that we will move to the corresponding ‘stable’ ego state. In other words, if someone addresses you as an Adult, you will find it very hard to do anything other than respond as one. If they address you as if they were a Nurturing Parent, you will quickly start to express your emotions and needs. But if they address you as if they were a Critical Parent, you will quickly become rebellious – perhaps not in action but certainly in thought and feeling. We are wired this way – it is pretty much impossible to NOT do this.
Parents can usually relate to the two Parent-Child combinations very quickly because they’ve experienced them over and over with their kids. But the patterns turn out to be universal. If you want someone to rebel, the best way to get them there is to treat them as if they just brought home a lousy report card.